Our Adoption FAQ and a Few Other Things

We have had several people ask about our adoption lately, so here is an update and my attempt to answer the FAQ. 

**If you have any more questions about our adoption or adoption in general, we are always happy to talk about it!  We love talking adoption.  And we have lots we could talk about, so just be ready if you ask.**

Do you have a little girl yet?

NOPE.   We are around #13 on the “waiting list.”

When do you think you will bring her home?

I HAVE NO IDEA.  Really, I don’t.  From the time of referral (when you are matched with your child) to homecoming it is typically about 8 months, but anything can change at any time.  And, we don’t even have a referral.  So, I have no idea.

How old will she be?

I HAVE NO IDEAish.  We have asked for a girl between the ages of 10 months and 4 years.  It could be anywhere in that window.

Isn’t it really expensive?

Well, YES.  YES, IT IS.   

Do you have the money?

NOPE.  But, praise the Lord that we are almost 2/3 of the way to our estimated expenses!  We still have a little over $10,000 left to meet our goal.  Thank you to all of you who have given!  We cannot say that enough!

Are you excited to have a little girl, finally?!

YES!!! but TERRIFIED would probably be a better word!  Ha!  We have no idea what we will do with a girl.  But, God led us this way so He must have a plan to teach us.  I am excited to learn.

Are the boys excited?

YES.  They pray for her, talk about her, draw pictures of her, and want to buy her things in the store with Mommy and Daddy’s money.

Is the wait hard?

WANT THE HONEST, HONEST TRUTH? 

Let me just camp out here for a minute or ten…

I can in absolute honesty say right now “no.”  There are a couple of reasons for this, but the primary reason right now is the LORD.  I feel as though the last few months God has overwhelmed me with His sovereignty.  My own personal study, the lessons I have taught my small group, the discussions I have facilitated with my Precepts class—in all of it He has a megaphone to my heart saying, “I know and I’ve got this!”  (I could talk your arm off about this and show you verse after verse after verse.)

I have basked in His absolute authority over EVERY.SINGLE.THING. in all of creation. 

This has brought such comfort to me in the adoption process.  Yes, I am excited to have our daughter home, but more than that, I am excited for what God is going to do.  And He is certainly working just as much now as He will then.  I know that His plan is the best and He holds everything in His hands.  He knows the exact right time and there is nothing that anyone can do to thwart His plan.  After all, the Israelites waited hundreds of years for their Messiah, yet God did not send Him “until the fullness of time.”  And it was “at the right time” that Christ died for the ungodly. 

Beloved, He knows the right time because He invented time.  “My times are in His hands” (Psalm 31:15).  He “holds my lot” (Psalm 16:5).  “Does not he see my ways and number all my steps?” (Job 31:4).  He knows.  My heavenly Father knows (Matthew 6:8, 32).

God has shown me that He controls all things and He ordains my steps.  He promises that for those who love Him, all things work together for our good, to conform us into the image of Christ (Romans 8:28-29).  I can trust Him with the timing and the financial aspects of this adoption because He is sovereign over all of it and He promises that He will work it together for my good and His glory.  What more could I ask for?  As Job said, “Who can contend with the Almighty?”! 

This is what He encouraged me with yesterday as I studied:

As a follower of Christ I know that God has control of every circumstance (Daniel 4:35) and He has promised that He works ALL of them together for my good (Romans 8:28).  Therefore, I should have no trouble being thankful in every circumstance (I Thessalonians 5:18) because God will use it for my good.  I can be joyful for the trial because it is perfecting my faith (James 1:2-4) and making me more like Christ (Romans 8:29).

I am so thankful that God’s Word is living and active!  I am thankful that He speaks to me.  I am thankful that He comforts me with His promises and that I can rest in His sovereignty.  This is no way makes everything in life “easy” but there is joy despite circumstance. 

Like I said, His sovereignty is the primary reason.  There is also just downright practical.  We have four boys that keep us busy.  I am enjoying this time with them because I know that when she comes home, our lives will be in absolute upheaval for an unknown amount of time.  And I do mean upheaval.  Having gone through this once before, we know what we are getting into.  The first year home from Aiden and Asa was the toughest year of my life.  And trust me when I say that I am not running to go back there.  We know that this time will be different, but we know that there are going to be many sleepless nights, tantrums, absolute melt-downs, communication frustrations and just plain ole adjustment.  And there are 7 people who will be adjusting.  It’s messy and it gets ugly.  In the spirit of honesty, I am not “excited” about the ugly part.  Adoption is hard.  Beautiful and hard and absolutely worth it.

*****Disclaimer: There is a lot more pain in the waiting when you have a referral.  When you are the legal parents of a child who is across the world and you cannot get to him or her, it is much harder.  Your heart aches because a piece of it is in another country and you cannot do anything about it.  Your family is “missing” a member.  This does not nullify the sovereignty of God.  There are times when you know something to be true, but just don’t “feel” it, and that is when you have to lead your feelings in truth and try to reign in the crazy.  There is cause for deeper trust in His timing and relying on His comfort while you rest in His absolute goodness no.matter.what.

So Faithful

I am about two seconds away from changing the name of this blog to: God is Real and Faithful, Here's Another Piece of Evidence.  BOOM. 

Can I just give you a little insight into the last few days/week?

 Kenneth's car (that God provided for us for $1) was starting to cost more and more to fix.  We knew that we were going to need something.  We have spent weeks and weeks searching for something in our price range, and refusing to take on a monthly car payment.  If I could show you our budget you would straight up laugh at us just like every car dealer did (save one).  But, of course, God provided what we needed when we needed it.  Kenneth bought a car on Thursday.

Since then, I have felt a little nervous about the finances.  Any time I write a check over $25 I think I am going to puke.  I would not say that I have been "worried" but more like, "Okay God.  I trust you.  But, you realize you are going to have to big time provide for us, right?  Okay.  Well, I'll wait.  Looking forward to when you do your thing."

I have been having to fill out some paperwork that requires me to look at our adoption expenses in addition to our monthly expenses.  This with every bit of money to our name.  It makes me sweat, not gonna lie.  Immediately I think of cost of groceries, clothes, unexpected expenses, doctor visits, etc.  The list swirls and swirls in my head.  Then adding one more to that.  A girl.  I hear they are a lot more expensive.  I start thinking, "Okay, what are we going to cut out?  Food?  Electric?  Toilet paper?"  I then start going down the path, "What if our van broke?"  "What if..."  Almost instantaneously I forcibly have to stop myself.   (Does this happen to anyone else, or just me?) 

I have to stop listening to the worries.
And start speaking Truth.

I have to stop going down the "what if"s.
And start going straight to God's Word.

If I did not, I would drown in a sea of worry and doubt.  I would live in fear.  I would shut down.  This adoption would not be happening.

This adoption is not logical...at all.
It is a ginormous leap of faith.  For so many reasons.  And, trust me, the devil has thrown out every possible dart I can think of at this point to try to discourage me and shut this down.

I have been praying so frequently for God's provision.  Praying that I would be meek, trusting in Him.  Praying that I would be righteous and crave His righteousness.  Praying that our family would be used for His glory...to do whatever, whenever, wherever.  I just want to please Him.

During my time with the Lord today I was reading Matthew 5-7 (part of an incredible Precept Upon Precept study I am doing....you should check it out).  These words really stuck out to me:

"Your Father knows."

It was as if the Lord was piercing me right to the core.  "Kristy, I know.  I know what you need."

Twice in Matthew 6 we see the words "Your Father knows."  This among a whole chunk of Scripture specifically about worry.  Of which the Lord has already spoken to me about.  "Worry only about serving Me.  I will take care of your life while you serve Me.  What you worry about reveals where your treasure is.  Treasure Me."

I felt so at peace. 
So much comfort knowing that my Heavenly Father knows.  He knows better than me.

And wouldn't you know?  Before I even closed my Bible, Kenneth sent me a message telling me that someone was going to give us $500 for our adoption!

And then this afternoon I opened my e-mail to find a congratulatory message from a grant agency, awarding us a substantial size grant for our adoption!

With these two donations, along with what has already been given, we are a little more than half-way to our estimated adoption expenses!

Just like that.

Isn't He so good? 
So kind. 
So merciful. 
So faithful.

Pieces of Fruit

I am often amazed by the work of the Spirit in Noah's life.  That child loves God's Word!  His knowledge of the Bible is astounding.  At six, he knows so much.  He can recall Bible stories in detail that I am pretty sure most people in the church wouldn't be able to remember.  He can recite 50 catechisms.  He weeps over sin.  He understands that we need to tell people about Jesus (and he does).  He is fascinated by the nations.  He just seems to "get" it. 

This is how Noah falls asleep most nights.  Reading his Bible.  Melt.my.stinkin.heart.

Can I tell you the weight I feel with this child? 
The responsibility. 

Knowing that God has entrusted this child to me.  Knowing that it is my responsibility (and privilege) to train this child to fear the Lord.  Knowing that I must cultivate this love for God and show him what walking by faith really looks like?  And knowing that I mess up so very often. 

It can be quite overwhelming.
All of this times four (and, Lord willing, times five).

There are times when I wonder if my boys will love Jesus.  I pray they do.  And I know that I cannot control that.  I just need to guide them and leave it in God's sovereign hands.  But sometimes, if I am honest, I get discouraged.  While Noah seems to get it, most days, the others do not.  I question if Noah has this passion because for two years we poured so much into him, and we haven't had as much one on one time with the other three. 

Although I know it is not beneficial to blame myself and wonder if my short-comings are the reason, I find myself doing it.  I find myself thinking, "Well, if you would just do more...."  I quickly realize that that is the enemy talking to me.  Trying to make me feel like I can control the salvation of my children.  Trying to make me feel discouraged and like all hope is lost because I've blown it already.

The truth is that each of us has a unique relationship with the Lord, and my children will be no different.  I need to pray that each of them has their own real, passionate relationship with Christ that does not have to fit into some mold (other that what we see in Scripture, of course).

The truth is that God is the one who calls people to salvation.  There is no amount of "working" I can do to save my children.  I can certainly train them in the fear and admonition of the Lord, showing them what authentic faith looks like and loving Jesus in front of them every single day.  But, ultimately,  their salvation is in God's hands.

The truth is that what we sow may not be reaped for many, many years.  The seeds I am planting every single day may not yield a lot of fruit immediately.  And I must persevere.  I must not grow weary of doing good.

And God is ever so gracious in allowing me to see tiny pieces of fruit that delight my heart.
Like tonight when Aiden prayed that Emily, a young girl who recently died of cancer, would have a good day in heaven with Jesus.  And that God would bring his sister home safely.
Or when Asa and Nathan were playing in the living room this afternoon singing "Amazing Grace."
Or when Nathan prayed that Charlie, a girl his age who is sick with cancer, would feel better and open her heart to Jesus.

Oh, thank you Lord.  I long to see the day when my children are madly in love with Christ!

Our Status

Life has been pretty hectic over the last few months.  I wanted to give a quick update on the adoption for those of you who may be wondering.

We have finished all the paperwork we can do!  Our dossier has been authenticated and sent off (which feels about equivalent to shipping off your first born child).  Our application with USCIS is sent off, currently being processed, and we are waiting to hear whether the US government says it is okay for us to classify an orphan as an immediate relative (which feels like those agonizing minutes between peeing on the pregnancy stick and waiting to see if you are pregnant). 

Now we have entered into the long tunnel of wait for a referral (when you actually get the picture and medical information of the child you will adopt) .  We have requested a little girl between the ages of 8 months and 4 years at the time of referral.  We are open to minor, correctable special needs-which also includes things that we do not classify as special needs but are considered special needs in some countries (like a burn mark or scar for example).

In the mean time we plan to apply for grants, sell some adoption t-shirts, and take care of the hoodlums we currently have.  :) 

SALES PLUG ALERT: Below is a picture of us with our matchy-matchy adoption shirts.  We are selling them for $20 each.  They come in toddler, youth and adult sizes.  In red (as seen here) or in blue.  Contact me if you are interested in helping us bring our girl home.

  

Lesson from a Yard Sale, Part 2

RECAP from last post: We had an adoption yard sale.  Huge blessings.  God is awesome.  Within two days of tithing from the yard sale, He then provided us more than we made at the entire yard sale!  We are about 1/8 of the way there with the fundraising for the adoption.  If you want a testimony of His faithfulness, check out the last post. 

Among all the blessings that God so graciously lavished upon us at the yard sale, He taught me a great deal.  As I said in the last post, God and I had a little discussion about the yard sale being donation only.  I was concerned that people would take advantage, that they would walk away and not give us any money at all.  ...And I was right.  We put out multiple signs and told all who came that the items were not priced but we asked that they give a fair donation for our adoption in exchange for the items. 

Most of the people were very nice and encouraging.  Kenneth was able to share the gospel with a few men, one of whom brought his entire family to church the next day!  I was able to talk with an older gentleman who had a great ministry going to some men in a trailer park.  Other people were amazed by the adoption.  Some people paid $10 for a pair of shoes or and old volleyball.  Some paid for items but then gave a little more with a huge smile.  It was a great experience and wonderful opportunity to share the gospel.

However, there were a few circumstances that *really* *really* tested my sanctification.  All on day 1, mind you.  1) There were some who worked for a consignment store.  When they found out that our sale was by donation only, they greatly took advantage.  One even said to me, "Well, I will sell this for $6.  I am going to give you $3."  She continued to gather the items that most people search for and loaded boxes into her car.  She did give us some money, but not really.  2) Someone paid a small price for a nice riding toy that our dear friends so graciously donated.  Not even an hour later when our friend drove by the consignment store, the same exact riding toy (identified by unique stickers)  was out front.  3) Another lady gathered several large boxes, packed with things, and then paid us $3.  She even said, "I don't even need all this stuff."  4) Someone gathered about four large boxes of things.  Asked my husband to help her pack all of it in her car because she couldn't carry it.  I do not exaggerate when I say that he had to make multiple trips to her car.  I watched him shut the trunk and then she just drove off!  Did not pay a cent.

Numbers 3 & 4 did me in.  I was so angry.  Not because I felt that they had taken money from me (remember, these were NOT my things in the first place), but because they had such a hard heart.  To know that someone is trying to raise money to bring home a child who doesn't have a family, and then to take advantage..that is what I struggled with.  I prayed over and over in my mind.  "Lord, help me to see what You are doing here.  Help me trust You.  Help me not be so angry.  Lord, please, help me!  Lord, let me see this with Your eyes.  Vengeance is yours, I know I need to leave this up to you.  Payment is not mine to exact.  Lord, I just hope those people needed those things (except in the case of the woman who said she didn't.....No!  Her too!  Her too!  Uggg!).  If we could minister to them by letting them just take all this stuff, then so be it.  That is okay.  Well, I want it to be okay.  This is silly that I am even worked up.  You are in control. "  And I am going to admit, I did ask God to convict them of what they had done.  But I am pretty sure my motives weren't the nicest.  Not at first anyways.

And just when the blood pressure finally settled down...  I kid you not.  Offenders #3 & 4 returned!  And brought friends!  Here is a glimpse of my immediate inner dialogue, "Um, Lord, are you kidding me right now?!  What are you doing here?  You are obviously trying to teach me something.  And help me to learn this lesson quickly.  Open my eyes to see what you are doing.  I don't think I can handle this.  Are you really going to let them do this...again?!  Did they not take enough!"  And all I really heard the Spirit say was, "Kristy, calm down.  You let me handle this.  Do you not trust me?"  At that point I needed to go into the house and let Kenneth handle #3 & 4. 

As we were heading home that afternoon Kenneth and I were talking about the day.  All the highlights and blessings, and all the situations I enumerated above.  My heart began to get really sad for those people.  I thought about why they acted that way, how their hearts could be so hard.  And I knew it was because they did not really know Jesus.  They had never come to grips with the fact that they are great sinners in need of a great Savior.  That this life is not about accumulating wealth, but about treasuring Christ, the One who gave them life. 

I then began to pray that they would be convicted.  Convicted about their sin.  I prayed that they would realize that they have sinned against a holy, righteous God and that they deserve His wrath.  And I prayed that they would come to Christ.  That they would know that Christ died on the cross to take the wrath of God that they deserve.  He put the full weight and penalty of our sin upon Himself so that through faith we might have His righteousness.  I prayed that they would get it.  And then I prayed that perhaps God would make a Matthew or Zacchaeus out of them.  As Zacchaeus confessed when he stood face-to-face with our righteous Judge "Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor.  And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold" (Luke 19:8). 

...And then God opened my eyes.
I felt the Spirit tenderly say, "How many times do you rob me (#3 &4 flashed before my eyes)?  How many times do you take my glory and give it to another? (#1&2 flashed before my eyes)"  Ouch.  My heart felt stabbed, like the Word of God had pierced me to the marrow.  I kept thinking about the prophecies of Malachi and Isaiah.  Those who were robbing God, those to whom God declared that He would not take His glory and give it to another.

And God continued, "How many times do you take my blessings and forget to praise me or thank me for them?  How often do you take what I have freely given to you and fail to repay me with your life?  I gave you my One and Only Son.  Your salvation was free.  Do you give me your life as a living sacrifice?  Do you think I owe you?  Everything you have I have given to you.  Do you not think that I would take care of you even if all of these things were taken?" 

Oh, how foolish of me!!  Is He not the Provider of all that I have, of all that gives me my false sense of comfort?  Is He not the One who gives me my very breath?  He owes me nothing!  I owe Him everything!  I share in His blessings and so often fail to put my whole life on the altar before Him!  I am wretch! 

At that point I went straight on my face and cried before the Lord.  Begging for His forgiveness.  Asking that He would remove the impurities in my heart.  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...

In almost an instant the Lord softy said, "I discipline those that I love.  I love you.  And I wanted to show you something about me and about you.  I wanted to bring you closer to Me."  That conversation with the Lord is sealed in my heart.  How gracious, and loving, and tender my Savior is.  I felt so loved and desired after feeling so ashamed of my sin.  He does not leave me to my own.  He wants me nearer and nearer to Him, and the closer I am, the sweeter He is to me, the more I hear His voice as if it is audible. 

I can honestly say that my time with the Lord that afternoon ended with me praising Him for bringing those people to our yard sale.  I felt inexpressible joy in the testing of my faith.  I knew that without those people, I would not have experienced God the way that I did.  There is no price you can put on that.

Lessons from a Yard Sale, Part 1

It still amazes me to see what God will use to stretch us, teach us and mold us into the image of Christ.  Over the last few weeks He chosen tool was a yard sale of all things.  Who would have thought?

For those who may not know, we have felt God leading us to adopt another child from Ethiopia.  This time: a girl!  What?!  I asked God about this many, many times.  Let’s just say that we were perfectly content with boys and never planned to have girls.  And did I mention I was okay with that?  This has nothing to do with me “needing” a girl.  Everything to do with the way God is leading.  I am sure that once we know her, we are going to love her.  And we won’t be able to imagine our lives without her.  And I hope God prepares her for the craziness she will forever endure.

Back to the yard sale.

So we wanted to have a yard sale to raise money for our adoption.  We did this last time and were able to raise about $1,000.  We were hoping we would do the same, raising enough to send in our USCIS paperwork.  (This is an application we will send to the government, in which they will determine if we are fit to parent an orphaned child from another country). 

The idea of the yard sale sounded really good until I realized that when we moved to Alabama I gave a lot of our stuff away.  Almost everything has been purged.  Meaning we have about 0 to contribute to our own yard sale!  We put it out there that we were having a yard sale, and wow!  I wish I could have taken a picture that would capture the amount of stuff people donated to us!  We put big pieces of furniture on Craigslist and ended up making over $300 before the yard sale even began.  It has been a very humbling experience to see the generosity of people.  People unloaded truck loads (I’m talkin’ truck loads, y’all)!  Our garage, and a good portion of our friends’ garage were filled, top to bottom.  Talk about a blessing.  We felt the love of God, through people, so strongly.  To go from having nothing, to having more than we have ever had at a yard sale…

In the midst of this, I felt God leading us to do a yard sale by donation only.  Again, what?!  The inner dialogue usually goes something like this, “You need to do this by donation.”  Me, “But God.  Really?  Don’t you think people will take advantage of us and just take a bunch of stuff?  We won’t make anything!  Don’t you think it would be better to price stuff and be willing to take less?  That makes sense.”  God, “Kristy.  Have we not been through this a million times?  Do you trust me?”  Me, “Okay.  You are right.”  Sigh… God, “I have always made this work.  When have I not met all your needs according to my riches in Christ?  Watch me.”

So that is what happened.

And can I just testify that not only did He teach me a few valuable lessons (in another post to follow) but He proved Himself ever faithful (like we could ever doubt that)!  We made more than enough to cover the cost of our USCIS fees.  We raised twice as much as I thought we would! 

And then….God began nudging Kenneth.  “I want you to tithe this.”  Kenneth, “Um.  Am I making this up?  God, I thought you wanted us to use this for the adoption.”  God, “Yes.  Bring your tithe to the local storehouse (Westwood).  Trust me.”

So that is what happened.

And once again…God proves Himself faithful.  Do you know that that Sunday morning someone handed us a check for $100 to put toward the adoption?  And another person, who had a yard sale the day before to help her pay for an upcoming mission trip, told Kenneth that she felt God leading her to tithe the money she made from her yard sale and give it to us for our adoption.  Of course, the combined amount was almost the exact amount we had tithed.

And then… On Monday I was driving to get our boys from the grandparents when I got a random call from someone at our home study agency.  She said, “Kristy, I just want to tell you that I got a phone call from some of your friends at church.  They have written a check to cover the entire cost of your home study.”  I have no idea who did such a precious thing for us (I hope they read this at some point so they know what a blessing they are, and how thankful I am for their obedience to the Lord and for their generosity).  TEARS were flowing.  And if I were not driving, I would have dropped down to my knees, face to the ground, prostrated in full surrender to the Faithful and True Lord of Hosts.  So I did that in my heart.  I could not even find the words.  The Spirit was groaning on my behalf, for sure. 

“Give and it will be given to you.  Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap.”  Luke 6:38

God always gives us good things.  Always.  God is always faithful.  Always.  He is not going to ask you to give something or risk something that He will not bless a million times over.  He LAVISHES His blessing upon us. 

So often He asks us to do things because He wants to gives us something even greater than what we have.  I cannot begin to imagine the blessings we would have missed had we insisted that we keep “our” money.  If we had hoarded every cent we made, or thought we would make, I doubt that we would have experienced His blessing “running over” into our lap!  He took our small 10% and gave us back more than we made at the whole yard sale!  Isn’t that just like our loving, heavenly Father?

When I see the cost of this adoption, and the cost of raising five children, I can easily feel overwhelmed.  It makes no logical sense.  NONE.  It actually looks very foolish.  But how can I not trust the One who has called when He continually does things like this?!  O my soul, praise the Lord!  Praise the Lord, o my soul!

Summa Time!

It's officially summer around here.
For most families it means more time together, swimming at the pool, dinner off the grill, vacations, ice cream, fishing, you name it.
For us it simply means more nakedness.

Seriously.
I am pretty sure that I have had to say the following at least five times each day, to various children: "What in the world?!  Why are you naked, again?!  Put your clothes back on.  Good grief." 
Apparently my children think we are running a nudist colony.
I can assure you, we are not.

At any given point in the day I probably have at least one child totally naked, or half-way there.  I have no idea why.  Why do boys think this is so hilarious?  Why do they think everything is better naked? 

Just this past week we had a play date at a friends house.  My friends and I were trying to do a Bible study while we let the kids play in the backyard.  I looked up and saw Asa 100% naked running around the yard. 
My inner dialogue, "Good thoughts...Good thoughts...You are right in the middle of Bible study...Figures...Well, this is sorta funny...No it isn't....Kind of, yes, it is....But he can't be doing this...We can't be stripping in front of girls, or at someone else's house....or ever....Ohmiword, what am I going to do with this kid!?"

Right now I am not appreciating the whole "naked and unashamed" thing (even though it kinda makes me giggle inside because it is hysterical seeing them run around all African-bush like).  Haven't we explained the story of Adam and Eve AFTER the fall enough?!  Fig leaves, man.  Fig leaves.  Modest is hottest.

I am praying these boys limit their nudist tendencies to our household, when no one else is around.  And that they quit running out the front door naked.  And that this trend is so-not-cool by the time they get to middle school.  We will have some serious problems otherwise.

So, cheers to summer. 
And cheers to privacy fences!

Something Beautiful

I saw something beautiful today, in the most unexpected place.

After a crazy twenty minutes inside the bank with the three youngest cherubs, (complete with Asa running into the secret employee break room then jumping out and screaming at me from behind the coke machine), I took them all to Great Clips for Nathan to get his hair cut.  I had no idea that I would be waiting almost an hour.  You can imagine the condition I was in by the time I caught a glimpse of this.

There I was talking with another customer, watching Nathan do amazing in the stylists' chair, and I saw a mother and her daughter walk in.  They both looked plain (meaning no make-up, no jewelry, basic clothing), and, to be honest, poor.  When asked what they wanted, the mother smiled, "We were hoping to get her hair styled for this" and she proudly pulled out a graduation cap.  She was beaming with pride that her daughter was going to graduate from high school tonight.  The daughter was smiling behind beautiful, long locks of brown hair.  I could tell this was a very special treat, for both of them.  This mother was extending herself to show her daughter that high school graduation is a big deal and an accomplishment she should be proud of.   

I cannot tell you the beauty of watching this mother be so proud of her daughter, and so delighted to gift her with a curling style at Great Clips to celebrate this milestone.  And the beauty of seeing this young girl almost giddy about an impending hair style and high school diploma.  Her eyes displayed excitement and gratitude for her mom.  I was happy for them and thankful that they could have such a moment together. 

How often do I take my own curling iron for granted, let alone the drawers full of nice make-up that I have tucked under the bathroom sink?  How often do I take my kids to get a hair cut and not think twice about the cost?  How often do I take for granted that my children will grow up, graduate high school and then go on to college?  I am also very ashamed to admit that as a teenager, a style at Great Clips would not have been my first choice for a "treat."  I was way too selfish and ungrateful.  Although the Lord has brought me far from the girl I once was, I still have much to learn.

The swirl of emotion that has come upon me after just a few brief moments of watching this mom and daughter is hard to put into words.  The Spirit often speaks to us through the "random" encounters, and works in places we least expect...like in the middle of Great Clips on a Tuesday afternoon.

Such unexpected beauty can be so humbling.

A Letter to Myself In 10 Years

Dear Self 10 years from now,

In the event that you start getting nostalgic and miss the years when the kids were running around like lunatics, I want to say the following. 

I know you miss those days.  I know you really do.  You probably look at your boys, now ages 15, 15, 13 and 12 (this is assuming they have all survived) and see flashes of sweet dimples and adorable, toothy grins masked behind sweaty teenage faces.  As you look at them they are probably scarfing down the umpteenth bowl of cereal for the day, nodding and grunting strange sounds as you ask penetrating questions to hear any shred of information about their day.  And with their moppy mess of hair hanging over their face buried into a cereal bowl, you probably smile and think back to days like I’ve today and you think, “Thank you Lord.  I never thought I would see this day.”   And you might laugh thinking, “Wow.  That was insanity.”  And there is a strange emotional cocktail of relief, humility, gratitude, longing, sadness and hope.

I want to assure you that you did not wish the days away.  Most of them anyways.  You truly tried the best that you could and you begged for the Lord’s help.  You felt weak all the time.  You felt dependent upon the Lord constantly.  You had some big victories and some ugly moments requiring quick repentance and prostration before the throne of grace.  You tried to really see your kids and enjoy them.  You tried to look past the mess and the ugly parts to see their hearts and to love them with wreck less abandon.   You tried to show each of them love and attention but you always felt like it wasn’t enough.  You had tender moments with each of them that I hope you are smiling about at this very moment as you recall them so quickly from your heart.  Deep spiritual conversations with Noah that typically ended with him saying, “I love Jesus.  And I love you more than to the moon and back.”  A beautiful, sheepish smile on Aiden’s face when he actually feels like he is wanted and loved after you had told him for the millionth time.  A tender kiss on the knee or shoulder from Asa as he said, “Mommy, I like you.”  And you replied, “And I love you.”  Or that sweet dimple that only exists on Nathan’s right cheek and the adorable smile that produced it, especially as he forcefully and gleefully plopped down into your lap for yet another story and you deeply smelled his silky blonde hair in hopes of remembering it.  There were many sweet moments.  And you knew they were fleeting.  You knew they were not going to last forever.  And you hoped that they would.  Many nights you cried over the fact that you couldn’t freeze time.  You did not wish the time away.

I feel the need to remind you of days like I had today that were very hard.  When you felt like you were going to punch the person who dared to say, “You are going to miss this.”  I want to remind you that some child running up and down the hall often awakened you earlier than 6:15.  Many days you heard some child yelling that he had pooped and you needed to wipe him before your alarm went off at 6:30 am.  Most of that time the child was Asa, and you longed for the day when he might sleep until at least 7 or 7:30 am.  The sound of riding toys being pushed onto the bathroom tile made your skin crawl.  You were tired most of the time.  You had a lot of headaches.  It was very loud, especially in the morning.  And I am going to guess that you have never become a morning person.  There was often bickering at the breakfast table and multiple children shouting wants and needs all at the same time.  There was whining.  There were a lot of time-outs.  All before 7:30 am.  You thought your head would literally explode.

Today after meeting all breakfast demands and making lunches and snacks, the boys succeeded in dumping out nearly every toy we own onto the floor and then refused to clean it up.  After dropping off Noah and Aiden at school, we went to the park.  Asa decided to pull down his pants and poop on the public playground.  He and Nathan then ran away behind the tree line and when I tried to catch them they ran to the fence and tried to climb over it onto the street where cars were passing by.  When they were back on the playground they attempted jumping off a high platform and got hurt when they hit the fire pole right next to them.  Then they started running on the concrete through a mud puddle.  Asa fell and cried like someone cut off his arm.   Then in the afternoon I got the pool out for the boys to play in.  They fought.  They hit one another.  They called each other names.  I made the mistake of trying to have a conversation with Kenneth while he was away at school.  Don’t know what I was thinking.  They hear the phone ring and it ushers in a million problems that cannot wait and must interrupt the phone conversation.   Nathan kept crying that he was cold so he kept wrapping up in a towel and then tried climbing into the pool with it on.  Meanwhile Aiden was throwing a tantrum because there were bugs outside.  Then there was complaining because the towel was the wrong color.  After dinner, which included a lot of loudness, throwing of cups and banging of forks, and the inevitable, “I not like this” from Asa, I discovered that Nathan had peed on the stairs at some point and that at another time one of the boys had taken a yellow crayon and scribbled all over the front door.  Nathan threw a tantrum because he couldn’t kiss his daddy through the computer screen and then refused to walk up the stairs for bedtime claiming, “I can’t!”  Then no one would listen and obey my instructions to get in bed and start reading time.  Asa threw a tantrum because he didn’t want to lay down, then because Aiden stole the Dragons Love Tacos book from him.  I had to set up guard in the hallway for over an hour to keep anarchy from rising.  I am beyond tired.  And emotional.  And I feel so weak and helpless.  I feel like I fail a million times per day and that I am messing up their lives for sure.  And I try to balance these feelings with what I also know to be true: This time is fleeting, I am engaged in a daily battle for their souls that can have a profound impact upon their lives, I have been entrusted with these children that God loves, I will miss this, They really are precious when they are sleeping, I love them so much that I feel like my heart could burst at any second, I can’t do this but God can, His grace is sufficient, and They are a blessing.  I am a mess.  And I will likely eat a large amount of chocolate in a few minutes and then feel guilty. 

And if you have read all of this, and you still think it sounds blissful, then I fear it has truly happened…I truly did loose it.  I turn into a loon.  Either that or God has so graciously blessed me with the ability to block out the impossible moments and remember the best.  If that is the case, I beg of you, do not go all sentimental on the disheveled mom at the grocery store.  You remember her.  She hasn’t had a chance to shower in a couple days because she is afraid of what the kids might do while she is in there.  She doesn’t feel pretty and she probably hasn’t had good sleep in a long time.  As her kids are pulling everything off the shelves and she is frantically trying to keep their arms and legs inside the cart while checking off her grocery list, please smile at her and say, “I remember when my kids were young.  Hang in there.  I know you are tired, but I bet you are a great mom.  Raising kids is the toughest thing I have ever done, but it is so worth it.”  Maybe smile, and as you engage her kids, tell her one of the many horror stories you had at the grocery store, or the park, or really any time you ever attempted to go out into public.  It will probably get her to laugh and maybe give her some hope.

Love,

Yourself.  

May 7, 2013

Reasons MY Son Is Crying

After laughing hysterically at this: http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/ 
I decided to take some pictures of Nathan in a span of a week. 
And I laughed hysterically all over again.

Here are the Reasons My Son Is Crying

 His brother was stuck.  (Don't worry.  Asa was not hurt.  

In fact, he climbed right out...after I took the picture).

 He couldn't climb down the stairs while holding his ball and his cup.

It was dinner time.

 I wouldn't let him use his fork as a drumstick.

  He threw his cup because he was mad about his fork.  And immediately regretted it.

 We told him not to call his brother "stupid."

 He wants his "Mater" that he threw across the room.

 I wouldn't let him die of a heat stroke in the van.

 Water in the wrong cup.

 He doesn't want his brother on top of Daddy.

 He wants to wrestle.  But he doesn't want to wrestle.

 He doesn't like when people wrestle if he doesn't want to wrestle.

 I wouldn't let him flood the bathroom.

 Dog ate his ice.  That he threw on the floor to the dog.

 His cup fell over during the tantrum over the ice.

Mommy is taking pictures of his tantrum.
Nice back swing, huh?  You should see his golf swing.

Love him. So much.
We all have bad days.

And we are all awesome too.

Flesh: Fail. Heart: Fail. But, God.

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Yesterday was brutal.

Kenneth was out of town for three days.  When he is out of town the boys act like depraved, wild animals.  There is no other explanation.  They show they miss their daddy by misbehaving.  Noah is especially notorious for this.  Asa also has about 0 respect for me, and it is at least kept in check with Kenneth’s constant discipline and reinforcement that he needs to honor Mommy and love her.  When he is gone, Asa go nuts.  It is awful. 

Yesterday was the third day of Kenneth being gone.  It was also the day that I got to teach a lesson on the blessings of children to a group of college girls.  Ironic doesn’t even begin to describe.

The morning started off horribly.  All the kids were up, running, screaming as loud as possible, and annoying one another before I even got out of bed.  (They woke one another up and their running and screaming is what woke me up).

Despite my best efforts, I am not a morning person.  I am so impatient and tired until I have been up for at least 20 minutes.  (I know I need to work on this).

One of my sons had peed through his pull-up, onto the sheets, through the mattress protector that I had just washed the day before for the same reason.  Had to start more laundry.  Before the boys were even dressed and ready for me to make their breakfast they had been so disobedient and whiny that they were not allowed to talk.  I moved Asa and Nathan’s chairs so that no one was even facing each other at the table.  I just couldn’t handle it.   It was one of those mornings where Noah was screaming, “Aiden won’t stop breathing on me and his breath stinks!!!”  And Aiden is laughing and blowing right into Noah’s face just to make him even angrier.

The rest of the day followed suit. 
It was one of those days that I seriously debated changing my name and never telling the children.  If I heard “Mooommmy!” one more time...  I felt like I was going to loose it any second.  I kept repeating, “It is a blessing to be called Mommy.  It is a blessing to be called Mommy.”  In hopes of believing it.   Even my “quiet time” with the Lord was interrupted by kids getting out of bed, throwing tantrums, and refusing naps.  I felt like I couldn’t get a break and I felt so out of step with the Lord at the time I needed it most.  I felt so weak.

The Spirit kept gently reminding me, “My grace is sufficient, My grace is sufficient.”  And all day it haunted me that I had to teach on the blessing of children when I wanted to do something awful to mine. 

I can assure you, I was not feeling blessed.

After nap, another child peed his bed.  This time he managed to get it in the one inch of space that does not have a mattress pad on it, along with the box springs, dust ruffle and carpet.  Pretty sure that was intentional.  I am not exactly sure how you could even pee in your sleep and get it where he did.  Alas, on to the third load of laundry for the day.

Then as I was boiling dinner on the stove, I heard the four boys fighting upstairs.  I was so tired of it.  I could hear Noah and Aiden arguing over Lincoln Logs and Nathan and Asa screaming about something.  Then I hear things being thrown, Aiden having a total melt-down and Noah yelling at him.

Aiden is crying and yelling at me from upstairs.  I ignored it.  He continued.  I continued with the food boiling on the stove.  He finally let out a big scream, and came marching down the stairs.  He cried about Noah being selfish.

Noah then marches downstairs and says the following, “Well, he is making an idol out of Lincoln logs. He thinks they are more important than Jesus. He thinks candy is more important than Jesus. He makes an idol out of Lincoln logs and candy.”

Before I could deal with that Asa comes downstairs totally naked, carrying his clothes, water dripping from him.  He says, in total stutter, “Nnnnnnate-dog do it.  Hhhhhhe got me wet.”

I immediately headed to the stairs.  As I got to the first step, the timer for the stove went off.  I left the food boiling, hoping I didn’t ruin dinner. 

I got to the bathroom to discover Nathan soaking wet, playing in the sink, and water ALL over.  Walls, mirror, counters, cabinets, the entire bathroom floor.  Picture frames and décor, soaked.  He stood there, hands in sink, looking at me with the proudest, biggest smile on his face.

I. Lost. it.  Totally. Lost. It.

I started the ugly cry. You know, the kind where you are crying so hard that you can’t breathe.  Nothing even comes out.  And then, woosh!  And it doesn’t stop.  I sound like a dying walrus. 

By this point the boys were downstairs in fear of their lives, I am sure.  I hear them yelling, “What is going on up there?”  Asa then came up, asked, “You crying Mommy?”  And then went down to report to his brothers.

Yes, dinner still on stove.

I finally came downstairs and Noah starts laughing at me. 

I prayed.  I called Kenneth.  He started laughing because he thought I was kidding.  Then he realized I wasn’t.

Thankfully, he got home about 30 minutes later. 

After the boys went to bed last night I opened my Bible to get a little more reading done .  I felt awful.  I felt defeated.  I felt weak.  I felt like calling the girls and canceling Bible study because there was NO WAY I could teach.  I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a long time.  I prayed that the Lord would just comfort me with His Word and somehow prepare me to teach a lesson that I felt grossly inadequate to teach.

And that is when He led me to Psalm 73.

“Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Yesterday was an epic parenting failure.
Flesh: Failed.
Heart: Failed.

BUT GOD. 
He is the strength of my heart.
He is my portion forever.

O, blessed Lord.  You are ever faithful.  Indeed, “for me it is good to be near God.” 

I am crying thinking of His sweetness to me and His comfort. 
His grace.
His sufficiency.
He is so good. 
So faithful.

The best of times...the worst of times.

I just have to start by saying that when I am in the check-out line at the grocery and my children are pulling EVERYTHING off the shelves and throwing it, or they are yelling at the top of their lungs, or they are reaching over pushing buttons on the credit card machine, I really DO NOT want to hear you say, "Oh, I just miss those days.  Be careful you don't wish them away.  These are the best years of your life."

I cannot tell you how many times I hear that.
And how many times I just want to speak in the flesh and say, "Yeah, well, you deal with this kid for a few hours.  You will be in tears, and you will be going to bed saying, 'Wow.  Glad that's over.'  Trust me.  And if you miss those days so much, babysit my kid for free so that I can take a shower by myself or even pee by myself.  (Can I just pee without someone busting in, screaming, or beating up their brother in the other room!?  For.crying.out.loud!!!!)"
Alas, I bite my tongue.  I remind myself that this older lady is probably right.  And maybe a little delusional about "the glory days."  And I repeatedly say to myself, "Children are a blessing.  Children are a blessing."  And as I chant this while my kids try to open candy bars in the check-out line, I hold onto the hope that maybe when my kids are older (if they make it to age 18, that is) that I, too, will be delusional and only remember the good.  And maybe I can be the crazy old lady in the grocery store telling some frazzled, un-showered woman with four kids hanging off of her and causing the biggest scene ever, that she is in the midst of the best times of her life, all the while knowing that right now is pretty amazing for me too. 

I was at Wal-mart the other day, waiting in line for customer service because the cashier had messed up my transaction.  I tried to wait patiently as two employees were trying to perform brain surgery, or at least that is what they made it seem like.  Meanwhile my two youngest smacked each other and held a competition to see who could yell the loudest and make me sweat the most.  Because they had about 20 carts full of merchandise in the customer service area, not allowing any room for customers to actually wait in line, I was several feet away from the cart with my groceries and boys.  Trouble.  The line was steadily growing behind me, and I was getting frustrated.  Now there were multiple people between the boys and me, which made them raise their antics to a whole new level.  I was actually worried someone would call DHR or look around for someone who had abandoned their kids.  I tried to remain calm and remind myself that patience is a virtue.  (A constant struggle for me).

The lady behind me then said, "They are just so cute.  They look like best friends."  I kindly thanked her.  She then added, "I sure miss those days."
I was not in the mood, so I then said to her honestly, "Yeah.  I am trying to enjoy it.  But I am exhausted, and I have two more boys that are both 5.  It is a lot of work.  And the discipline is never-ending." So there.
To my surprise she said, "I remember that too.  Hang in there.  They are so cute at that age, but it is really hard.  I was so tired, and I only had two boys.  I can't imagine how you do it.  My boys are now in high school, and they drive themselves around all the time, they really don't need me much anymore."
And then I wanted to cry.

I feel a constant tension in my life over the stage my children are in.  To be honest, we are having a lot of discipline issues with Aiden and Asa.  Their personalities are so different than Noah and Nathan's.  And I struggle to discern whether it is adoption issues, personality issues, or a little bit of both.  But the selfishness, the deception, the outright lying, the outright defiance, the poor bathroom habits...I am about to loose it.  This past month it seems those behaviors are in over-drive.  We continue to discipline them.  We try to find creative ways to discipline them because it seems like nothing we have tried is getting through to them, in fact, it is getting worse. 

I feel defeated.  I keep seeking the Lord for refuge, forgiveness and wisdom.  I know I am not alone in this, but I don't know how much more of this behavior I can take.  God assures me that His grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He is using this for my good and for His glory.  He is my sustainer.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  And He has already forgiven me.  His mercies are new every morning.
This is a fight.  A daily battle.  It is tough.  It is exhausting.

I don't want to wish this time away.
I want to enjoy my children.
I do enjoy them.
But I selfishly want to enjoy them without it having to be so difficult at the same time! 
I feel like I am living that quote from The Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Children can be so maddening, and so delightful.
They are a blessing from the LORD, indeed.