I Don't Want Safe Kids

Something happened at the soccer field yesterday that has had my mind reeling ever since.  During a pretty intense game of YMCA soccer, a mom looked over at me and said, “Your boys are climbing on that railing, are you okay with that?  I didn’t want to tell them to get down if you were all right with it.” 

I truly appreciate her asking.  She had no ill will, no judgment whatsoever.  She is so sweet and kind and I enjoy her company.  I know that she wouldn’t let her son climb on the railing.  I told her, “I’m fine with it, but thank you so much for checking.”

Here is why I am fine with it: I want my boys to grow up to be men.  Not girls. 

As crazy as my house is, and for as many times a day I ask myself if I am somehow allowing wild animals to live in my house when I could have sworn I had actual human children, I prefer it.  I do not want to raise passive boys who have no fight or sense of adventure.

I do not want my boys to be rude or rough with things that need to be handled delicately.  I want them to be respectable.  However, if they are not hurting anything, or breaking someone’s rules, I want to say “yes” as much as possible.  You want to play in the dirt?  Go for it.  You want to jump off the clubhouse?  Sure.  It is high and you might break your leg, but you might land it perfectly.  So long as you know the risk.  You want to rappel off the clubhouse with your jump rope?  Okay.  I am just thankful it isn’t the stairs this time.  You want to slide down the stairs on a cardboard box?  Great idea.  Wait there while I get the camera.  You want to push the lawnmower with daddy?  Awesome.  Maybe you can start mowing the whole yard.  You want to climb up the slide the wrong way at the public park?  I don’t mind.  Just don’t get in the way of those trying to use it correctly.  You want to play karate chop on the trampoline and see how hard you can kick each other?  Go for it.  Just don’t do it with a mean spirit and don’t come crying to me when you get hurt because I warned you what might happen.  

 

Boys need adventure.  Boys need to be able to take risks.  Boys need to be able to build things.  Boys need to do hard things.  They need to be able to act like boys.  My job is to teach and train them to make wise decisions, and sometimes that doesn’t equate “safe.”

Here is what I am struggling to understand.  So often I find us moms telling our kids “no.”  Not because something is bad, but because we think of all the ways they could potentially get hurt.  We are trying to keep them safe from ever falling down and shedding a tear.  No one keeps score.  Everyone gets a trophy just for participating because we don’t want to potentially hurt anyone’s feelings and we want them to feel good about themselves.  Then, these boys who have been told “no” their whole life because something just isn’t safe, get older.  We get upset because men are not leading their families, or not sticking around at all to be a dad.  We are upset when they turn into passive, apathetic men who take no risks and wouldn’t be willing to take a punch for anything of significance.   Haven’t we trained them this way by never letting them take risks, never letting them do hard things, never letting them get too adventurous?  Haven’t we trained them to fear hurt and failure?  It seems to me that we have made safety a god.

I just don’t want that for my boys.

I am not at all advocating parental negligence or stupidity.  I think there is a huge difference between allowing our boys to take risks, potentially get some bumps and bruises and shed some tears, and being an uninvolved parent with no sense of stewardship over the children God has given you.

Here is my point:

If I am raising my kids to be safe, why in the world would they want to risk their life for King Jesus?

If I never let them take risks now, how do I expect them to do that in the future when it matters?

If I raise them to be afraid of everything, how will they stand for anything?
If I am training them to always be afraid of getting hurt, how do I expect them to allow God to take them on wild adventures of faith? 

My biggest fear is not that I won’t be able to keep my children “safe”. 

My biggest fear is that out of their own fear and comfort they would say “no” to Jesus. 

I want my children to be dangerous for the gospel. 

Risking your life for the sake of the gospel is not a tragedy. 

Saying “no” to Jesus because you fear for your safety is beyond tragic. 

Of Course He Does

Have you ever lost someone in your life that you really looked up to?

Larry Cranfill is one of those people for me.  Larry and I were never super close or anything, but he served on staff at the church where Kenneth and I formerly served.  He passed away after Kenneth and I had moved to Alabama to serve at Westwood.  Larry had a wonderful, toothy grin and an infectious heart for Jesus.  His desire for God’s glory to be made known among the nations was so obvious that it seemed to ooze out of him at every moment.  He didn’t care if everyone, or anyone, agreed with him; he simply pursued Jesus wholeheartedly and let the chips fall as they may.  I loved that about him.  What a wonderful example he set of living to please God alone.   

Whenever you had a question about something that involved missions and started with “Does God want me to do or go_____”, Larry would just flash that big, toothy grin and say very matter-of-fact, “Of course He does.”  And that was that.  He was excited when Kenneth and I told him about adopting our boys from Ethiopia, and he was always encouraging us when we made decisions in our pursuit of Jesus that looked foolish to others.  He spoke words of wisdom and life (Proverbs 18:21).

Over the last few months I cannot tell you how many times Larry’s words have rolled around in my mind.  There have been times that I start looking at certain circumstances or listening to what so-and-so says needs to be in our bank account, retirement account, college accounts, and the list goes on.  When I dwell on those things it is easy to get caught up in the American Dream, or Pinterest Museum, and ask “What in the world are we doing adopting a fifth child?!  We can’t do this!  Does God really want us to do this?!” 

When the adoption door closed with India, after already being led away from Ethiopia, there were several moments that I asked, “Does God even want us to adopt?”  And it only took seconds to hear Larry saying, “Of course He does.” God then used His Word to gently remind me that He did call us to this and His heart for orphans has not changed. 

There have been so many scriptures that God has used to continually guide us along this path.  Our adoption journey now looks so so different from the one we took in 2009-2010 when we brought Aiden and Asa home.  In one sense, there has been so much more time to just sit around and think about everything.  We have been walking this path for 18 months now and in some ways it feels like we are no closer to the end than when we started.  In another sense, there is a lot less time to think about things because we have a very busy household.  Although so much has changed, God’s Word has remained the same.  He continues to show me that adoption is near to Him and I would be far from Him without it.

Not everyone is called to physically bring a child into his or her family through adoption.  However, God has called my family to do this.  I have realized that every time I ask, “Does God even want us to adopt?” I am focusing on the things of this world.  I am allowing what makes sense in our current culture to drive my thoughts and emotions.    

That is not the way of Christ. 

Does God approve of adoption?  Of course He does.  He has adopted us through Christ.  Moses was adopted (by Pharaoh’s daughter).  Jesus was adopted (by Joseph).  Does God command that we look after orphans and widows?  Of course He does.  Does God say that children are a blessing and a reward?  Of course He does.  Does God desire for these orphans to have a mother and a father who will try their hardest to point those children to Jesus?  Of course He does.  Does God have the means to provide for this?  Of course He does.  Has God used people to provide for our adoption up to this point?  Of course He has.   Has He given us a heart bent toward adoption?  Of course He has.  Is adoption one means of fulfilling God’s mission and extending His glory to the ends of the earth?  Absolutely.

Does it matter that we may never get to take our kids to Disney World or go on a week long vacation?  No, not really.  Not when I think about a child in an orphanage who doesn’t even have a mom or a dad.  Does it matter that we won’t be able to go many places because of the size of our family and the cost?  No, not really.  Not when I think about children who may never hear or see the gospel.  Does it matter that I will have to cook dinner every night because we won’t be going out to eat?  No.  Not when I think about the many children going hungry and the mothers who wish they had the means to make dinner for their family.  Does it matter that our house might feel crowded with 7 people in less than 2700 sqft?  Honestly, I cannot even type all the answers to that question. 

I have to ask myself by whose standard I am evaluating the answers to these questions.  The fight against the tragic “American Dream” is a grueling battle that I intend to engage in every single day for the rest of my life.  When I focus on allegiance to God’s Kingdom rather than building my own, there really is no question as to whether or not God wants our family to adopt.  I keep hearing Him say to me, “I put this on your heart for a reason.  I have provided for you up to this point and I am not going to stop.  Trust me.” 

There are times when we wrestle through finding God’s exact answer for a particular situation, when really all we need to do is remind ourselves of His Word and the mission He has given us and we find that the answer is a simple “Of course He does” or “Of course God would do that.”  No, it isn’t always that simple.  But sometimes it is.  Sometimes we try to complicate things when all we need to do is delight ourselves in the Lord and joyfully follow His simple (though not easy) command to make disciples of all nations.

When we are faithfully studying the Scriptures, when we seek wise counsel, when we are delighting ourselves in the Lord and He has given us a desire for something that He obviously encourages in His Word, sometimes the better question is, “Why would God say ‘no’?”  What a blessing to have His Holy Spirit leading us and guiding us so that we can discern moments like these!

I cannot help but to imagine what Larry would say to us if we could talk with him about this adoption process up to this point.  I know at every turn he would have encouraged us and had stories about Kingdom work that is going on in each country we have considered.  He would have said something like “That’s just awesome.  I am proud of you guys.”   And he would mean it.

I am so thankful as I think of the impact some people have had on my life simply because they passionately followed Jesus.  Some are now at home with the Lord, some are on the mission field, some are diligently serving in churches across the country, some are still around me today.  I am thankful for this great cloud of witnesses, who encourage me to run the race with endurance, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:1-3). 

ADOPTION UPDATE:

Please continue to be in prayer for us.  We are currently waiting on our approval extension from US Customs and Immigration, which will determine if we can adopt internationally.  We have already been approved but the approval only lasts 18 months before it has to be extended.  If they extend our approval we plan to move forward with international adoption.  We cannot move forward with a particular country until we have this approval in our hands.