A Closed Door.

God, in His goodness, has closed the door for us to adopt from India.

A few weeks ago, our caseworker let us know that when she attempted to pull our number to match us with a child, she was unable to pull the number.  (Each prospective adoptive family is registered with CARA, the adoption people in India, and is given a number when approved.  When a child is found that meets the family’s criteria, the numbers are matched.)  We had been approved by CARA months ago, and given a number.  It did not make sense that she would be unable to pull our number for this match.  She contacted CARA and they responded by saying that they rescinded our approval (in short).  They stated that they are not accepting any families that have four children already in the home.

Our caseworker filed an appeal.  She believed this would work because A) This new “rule” is nowhere in their guidelines and it is not published anywhere, B) We had already received approval from CARA, and C) Their guidelines specifically state that they will not discriminate based on families that already have biological children (and that is exactly what she felt like they were doing).  Honestly, we had never even heard of this happening to anyone, or thought they could rescind approval.  Our caseworker has been working in adoptions for many, many years and she was baffled.  I think this only proves what a rocky road adoption can lead you on.  It is not easy.  It is frustrating.  It is unpredictable.  It is warfare.    

On Monday morning, the Spirit woke me up around 4 am.  I had the impression that we would hear an answer from CARA.  I had peace about the answer and went back to sleep.  When the phone rang and the caller ID showed the agency’s number, I thought of the man who fears the Lord in Psalm 112, “He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.  His heart is steady; he will not be afraid.”  I knew the answer was going to be “No” before our caseworker even said hello, and I praise God that He graciously gave me peace.

We had waited for a couple of weeks to hear a word back from CARA.  We simply prayed for the Lord’s will to be done, even though we really wanted to bring home a daughter from India.  The Lord can change a king’s heart, so a government agency is nothing to Him, and we believed that.  God could have changed their hearts.  He chose not to. 

I am disappointed.  However, more than that, I am thankful that God graciously prevented something that was not His best for our family at this time.  I am convinced that “for those who love God, ALL things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).  Even when things do not feel “good,” I am led to trust God’s definition of “good” rather than my feelings or what I deem “good.”  And, as I look back on my life so far, there is nothing that comes to mind that I cannot now look back and see how it was “good” or led to something "good."  Maybe some things were painful, but I see exactly how they drove me deeper into the Word, drawing me closer to Christ, which has led to an even greater joy.   

I rest in God’s absolute sovereignty.  There is no doubt in my mind that He led us away from adopting from Ethiopia, and no doubt in my mind that He has closed this door to India as well.  I feel a little like Paul when he kept trying to go preach the gospel to various people and the Holy Spirit kept forbidding him.  After trying to go to two different regions, he then received a vision of exactly where he was supposed to go.  He obeyed the Spirit, which led him to Macedonia, and ultimately, Philippi.  And, if you know anything about Philippians, you know that God did an amazing work among them through the ministry of Paul.  (See Acts 16). 

I realize that I am nothing like Paul. 

I am simply saying that we have felt God’s leading in this adoption, and the Spirit keeps preventing an adoption from certain countries.  I know that this is no accident and God has a glorious plan that involves every step we have taken thus far.  I do not understand it in full, but I am hopeful that God will one day pull back the curtain and help us to see why.  Perhaps, as we continue to follow His leading, we will look back and see exactly why we had to go to wherever this adoption journey leads us next; just as we can now see why God prevented Paul from going to certain countries, and instead led him to the region of Macedonia.

Yesterday, after getting off the phone with our caseworker, I felt the Spirit saying, “Kristy, will you follow me to Africa?  Yes.  Now, will you follow me to India?  Yes.  Okay, now will you follow me to wherever I want to take you next?”  My answer is an unequivocal “Yes!”

We have been asking ourselves so many questions.  Does God even want us to continue this process?  Are these closed doors His way of trying to get our attention and tell us “No” or “Not right now”?  Are these closed doors merely an obstacle, a testing of our faith, to see if we will persevere?  What do we do now?  What is His will?  Why did He lead us here, then there, and then close the door?  Why this timing?  Why are we the family that CARA has decided to make up some new rule about?  What is He doing with this?  Where is He leading?

I don’t know the exact answer to any of these questions.  But, I can tell you that I have no greater desire than to answer “Yes” to my Savior, whatever He asks of me.  I know that God’s timing is perfect and my times are in His hands (Psalm 31:15).  I know that His plan is sure (Job 42:2).  I know that “He does according to His will” and “None can stay His hand” (Daniel 4:35).  I know that when we ask, He will generously give us His wisdom (James 1:5). 

Please join us in praying that God would generously and graciously give us wisdom as we put one foot in front of another, following Him wherever He wants to take us.  Our heart’s desire is to put our lives before the Lord and say “Whatever, whenever, wherever.”  We want to be living sacrifices  (Romans 12:1).

How is it coming? Am I excited?

Throughout both of our adoption processes, the most typical questions we have received are:

1.     How is the process coming along?

2.     Are you excited?

I wanted to share an update to answer both questions.

How is the process coming along?

We feel like it is taking forever.  In reality, it is not.  The adoption with Aiden and Asa took 7 months from start to finish.  Because we have been on this train for twice as long (14 months now) the ride feels like forever.  Considering that we have changed countries and had to re-do everything, it actually isn’t that long at all. 

Right now we are in the process of updating our homestudy.  Ours was over a year old and must be updated each year.  The update includes all new physicals for every person in our family, updated reference letters, new letters from employers and banks, new criminal background checks and updated financial statements of every penny we possess or owe. 

We are also working on our dossier, which is the set of documents that goes to India.  The dossier is pretty much our life: birth certificates, marriage certificates, house deed, financials, tax documents, pictures of the house and family, letters galore, physicals, signed statements from our children, etc etc.  Seriously, it is EVERYTHING you can think of, including your blood type.

There are a few grant agencies we will still apply to, as we are about $9,000 short of our goal.  There is a lot of paperwork involved with that, and I will be working diligently on that once we can get the homestudy and dossier close to completion.

Are you excited?

In true transparency, I will say “Yes, but reservedly.”  I have learned that anything can happen in adoption and it is best not to get your hopes up.  Honestly, I know that God has called us on this adventure, but I am not certain of the outcome.  Referrals (the child you are matched with) get lost, children die, children are hurt, the process takes way longer than you think it will, the unexpected can happen in your own immediate family leading to an incomplete adoption, birth parents reappear after years of being out of the picture, and a host of other things.  I am not trying to be a pessimist, but I know better than to think that this will certainly be pain-free and end the exact way we desire.  Yes, Aiden and Asa’s adoption went almost without a hiccup, but many do not.  Until the child is home on US soil, legally in your custody, and legally re-adopted in the United States anything can happen.  I want to be prudent and prepare my heart for however God writes this story.      

I also don’t pretend to think that God is leading us to a “happy” postcard picture type of situation.  Yes, it will be absolutely beautiful in its conclusion, but it will probably be grossly ugly at times (from our perspective).  We have been through this once before, and we know exactly what the first few months are like.  There is a whole lot of ugly.  There is exhaustion, never enough coffee, an immeasurable amount of tears from everyone, lots of praying, lots of repenting, lots of questions, so much adjusting.  Waking up with the goal to survive the day is absolutely legit. 

No lie: When we first brought Aiden and Asa home I literally wrote “SURVIVE” on my to-do list and then I would thankfully cross it off before bed each night. 

Please do not hear me say that this is not worth it. 

It absolutely is. 

Don’t hear me say that I regret it.

I do not.

We would not be adopting again if it were not worth it.  And, either way, obedience to God is NOT optional for this family.  We are following Him on this journey, no matter what. 

There is just nothing that can truly prepare you for the moment until you get there.  Some things help, but until you are in the thick of it you just cannot fathom the things that are done, said and felt.  This time we know a lot more about what to expect and we can be real about the struggle that it is.  **Not every family struggles the way we did.**  And maybe this time will be so much different. 

If you have not read the blog entry by Jen Hatmaker “After the Airport” do it.  This is a very real picture of what the first few months after adoption are like.  The first time I read it, I sobbed.  Someone finally “got” what we had been through. 

There is SO MUCH good that follows. 

SO MUCH. 

And you see God work in ways you never dreamed or thought possible. 

Things are so much more real and the Lord teaches you things about Himself that you may never ever understand if it were not for adoption. 

Adoption is a gift—a gift that I am so incredibly thankful to experience on a daily basis, both spiritually and physically. 

Adoption is the heart of God.

But when I am asked “Are you excited?!” you must know that I am fully aware of the 1 million things that can go wrong.  And you must know that all of the pain and struggle that I remember from the first few months after Aiden and Asa came home just come rushing back like an avalanche. 
To be honest, that part doesn’t excite me much.  It can actually be pretty fear-inducing until I start reminding myself of who my God is.  I know the goodness this adoption will bring, but going through the midst of all-out warfare and testing is never an incredible amount of fun.

When people ask me "Are you excited?!" perhaps I should just answer, "Yes" and move on.  And perhaps that is what people want me to say.  But I want to be honest.  I want people to know that redemption is costly and difficult, lest we forget what it cost the Lord to redeem us.  

The blessed hope in all of this is that God is sovereign over all.  If He has been emphasizing anything to me over the last two weeks as I have studied Amos and Jonah, it is that He is overwhelmingly sovereign over creation and people.  (This seems to be the theme of my year so far.  Every study I do keeps coming back to the sovereignty of God in all things.) 

Even if something goes terribly wrong with this adoption, I rest knowing that God is in control and has purposed it for my good and His glory.  He will get glory through this, no matter the outcome.  That is a blessed thought.  Whether I am saying through tears, “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21) or holding a new child saying “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted” (Job 42:2), the Lord will get glory!

I love seeing God work through circumstances, and even when things do not turn out like we had hoped, He is always carefully crafting each piece of the puzzle into a greater picture that is stunningly beautiful.  In the end, no matter what, I will look more like Jesus.  And that is the goal anyway!  Praise Him, that no matter what, He continues to transform us into the image of Christ and He who began a good work in us will see it through to completion!

That is something to be most excited about!

Much More than Kindergarten Graduation

WARNING: This is about as real as it gets.  I beg you to either not read at all, or read all the way through until the end.  Also, if you only want a positive, pretty picture without mess, please do not read because you will only be disappointed with my honesty. 

I want to show you what God can do...

Throughout the adoption process the prospective adoptive parents have a lot of expectations.  Even if you don’t think you do, you do.  I was no different.  I knew not to expect perfect family memories, or quick bonding, or well wishes from everyone.  However, deep down, I thought that things would be fine.  Our biological son was doing wonderful, which just had to be because we knew what we were doing as parents.  (Turns out, it is pretty easy to parent the child who loves to follow the rules and thinks you are the greatest thing in the world.  I didn’t know there was a difference since he was the only child.  Aren’t they all like that?) 

I thought, yeah it might be tough for a little bit, but not that tough. 

WRONG.

I want to share a few words from my journal at that time.  The entries below were written when Noah was almost 3, Aiden was 2, Asa was 10 months old and I was 7 months pregnant.  The boys came home on June 6, 2010.

I wish I could share more because as I read over my own thoughts, I remember exactly how it felt.  I remember feeling defeated, feeling inadequate, being angry with myself, feeling guilty for being angry with God because I knew better.  I was so so tired.  I remember how I would try to remind myself of the truth of Scripture, or how God would bring me a sweet Word when I was famished spiritually and worn out from the warfare that was terrorizing our home. 

July 2, 2010: “We had had the boys for 3 weeks.  I would not change adopting either of them but I have had days that I hate my life.  …There is nothing with Aiden although he is the same age [as Noah] and right now it feels like it will never get better.  He is always grunting or shouting when he wants our attention, and it is so hard for me to be patient.  Sometimes I wonder why God chose me for this.”

July 16, 2010: “I find myself in desperate need of repentance.  Life has been tough lately.  I find myself thinking, ‘I love my kids but I hate life right now.’  It is so stressful and demanding physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  Almost every night Kenneth and I are sharing our struggles with our situation, and mine seem more intense.  I have all these horrible thoughts and feelings and then I feel guilty for having them.  I want to be honest about what I am going through because God already knows, but then I feel terrible because I don’t want to complain about something that God feels is best for me.  God has a plan and purpose for me, to prosper me, not to harm me, and to glorify Himself.  Today I read Psalm 106, which is a long record of how the Israelites failed God.  He did so much for them and how quickly they forgot.  They started worshiping other things, they complained and got frustrated with His plan for them.  God led them out of captivity and was leading them to the Promised Land.  Instead of praising Him for what He had done and looking forward to their future, they focused on their current situation (which should have only lasted a short while) and complained.  God was giving them something great but they refused to be thankful for what He had done and to see what His promises would entail.  Am I not doing the exact same thing right now?!”

 …The way my life is right now I feel like a failure at everything.  I have days when I don’t know if I am going to make it and all I want to do is lay down and cry.  I look at the clock and can’t wait until I can put the kids to bed.  I have a level of stress that I never knew existed and it is constant.  I am struggling big time.  There are days that I just wish I didn’t have to live my life.  I was convicted again yesterday when I was reading a friend’s blog.  She had written all these things that she loves about her daughter.  They have had her home 2 weeks less than we have had Aiden and Asa home.  Her list was so long and so sweet.  I found myself jealous that things seem to be going so easy for them.  I also know that if I had to make a list like that I couldn’t.  That disappoints me in myself.  Could I make a list of 10 things I love about Aiden?  Could I even make a list of 5 things?!  Pitiful.  I feel like I am not bonding with Aiden at all.  I am not seeing positives, only negatives.  We rarely connect over anything and it all seems like a stressful struggle.  We can barely communicate and he seems to have no interest in me whatsoever.  He just grunts at me and whines and pushes me to see how far he can go.  He purposefully does things that he knows he should not.  I have a hard time seeing past all of that to see that he needs love and structure and I have no idea what his life was like before he came to our family.  Right now I feel like I am having to pour all this work into Aiden and I am getting no positives from him in return.  Isn’t that like God?  Pouring all His love and energy into me only to hear me whine and cry and be disobedient.  I want to be a better mother, especially to Aiden.  I can’t do it on my own because there is no part of me that can.  Lord, help me.  I am sure that a day is coming when Aiden and I will be able to bond and have a good relationship, at least I hope so.  I am sure a day is coming when life will feel good again.  I am sure I will get rest at some point.  Lord, be my sufficiency until then.  Help me to see with Your eyes and past my current circumstances.  Open my eyes to see what You want me to see.  Open my heart to love my children the way You love them.  Help me to bring You glory and praise Your name.”

Some of what I felt too ashamed to write was that I felt like Aiden was my enemy.  I knew better, but sometimes what you know and what you feel are two different things.  I would cry to Kenneth because I didn’t know if I was going to survive all that we were going through with Aiden.  Our amazing pediatrician assured me that he was testing boundaries and trying to figure out what it was going to take for us to send him back to the orphanage.  He assured me that when he realized he was going to be a part of us forever, we would see a change.  I secretly wondered if he was right.

I remember Kenneth telling me one night, after a particularly horrible day, “I bet that by the time Aiden graduates high school you two will be so close.”  Even though that was at least 16 years away, I didn’t think it was even going to be possible.  I felt so defeated.  I imagined his high school graduation and thought he would probably give Kenneth a hug and just give me a look.  And I imagined that my heart would be broken because I would love him, but not enjoy him and he would be out of the house forever. 

I have tears welling in my eyes thinking back to that exact moment.  I remember seeing him sleeping in his bed and wondering if we would ever really love each other.  I wanted to really, truly, genuinely, love him; but I didn’t.  And I didn’t know if I would.  I didn’t know if I could.  I knew he didn’t even like me.

Now the tears are pouring down my face. 

There are no words to express the joy in my heart over what God has done! 

He has brought such healing and hope to our family.  I look at Aiden now and I am in utter amazement over what God has done in his life.  I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.  It is an honor.  It is a joy.  I love him so much (really, truly, genuinely).  (Can you really love a child you did not birth as much as you love a child you carried in your stomach for 9 months…praise the Lord, I can say emphatically YES!)  I am so proud of him.  He and I have become so close especially over the last two months.  In the last few months, my love and admiration for him has only continued to grow.  Have I mentioned how proud I am of him? 

A God who works miracles has radically changed our hearts for one another.

Today, Aiden graduated Kindergarten.  Normally I think Kindergarten graduations are a little silly.  Not today.

For me, Aiden’s Kindergarten graduation was much more than seeing my son move on to elementary school and getting weepy thinking about him growing up too fast.  Today was about praising God for all that He has done in Aiden’s life.  It has been about slowing down and recognizing the miracle God has done and how gracious He has been to our family.  I have thought about the journey God has brought us on and all that is still left to enjoy. 

Today has been about God’s restoration and promise. 

This picture is so much more than a picture of me with my son graduating Kindergarten.   

It is a dream fulfilled. 

I am standing next to my son in his cap and gown, 

and we love one another deeply.   

And he is only 6.

I Said I Would NEVER, but...

If I could choose any phrase that describes what 2014 has been like for me, this would be it.  “I said I would NEVER, but…” 

What are those things that you said you would NEVER do? 

I am not talking about sinful things that you really should never do.  I am talking about things that were never your preference, or perhaps you had some very valid reasons for saying you would never do something. 

And in the spirit of complete honesty, can I just tell you that every time someone says “Never say never” in that sing-song voice I want to punch them?  Of course, I wouldn’t punch them.  But, without the proper self-control, that is what I would do.  I sincerely dislike when people say things like “Never say never” in a sing-song voice whilst grinning.  It feels like they should really just say, “You are an idiot and one day I will point at you and laugh and say ‘I told you so’.”  Perhaps I am a little touchy.

Also, I am pretty sure that just today I said, “Never say never” to a girl in my Sunday morning class.  I should have punched myself.  I have been thinking about this blog post for a couple days now and she just so happened to make a statement today that started with I NEVER….  Abby and I laughed, hard.  We also told her that she better find us when she is older and her “never” has happened and then we could just smile at her. 

So there have been a few things in my life that I have said I would NEVER do, or would NEVER happen.  And I think that in the last couple of months there has been some conspiracy to make sure all of those things actually happen.  Wow, has God humbled me in the last few months.

Here is a list of things I said NEVER about:

1. Going to India. 

Truth be told, I watched Slum-Dog Millionaire (which was a great movie btw), and I was totally disgusted by some of the things in the movie.  I realize this is about the same as watching some movie about the worst possible places in the USA and then thinking the whole country is like that.  I never said it was rational. 

I also remember listening to our case worker for our home study as she recounted her adoption from India.  And I remember thinking, “This is so precious, but I just don’t feel a desire to go to that country.  Get me somewhere in Africa!” 

I remember seeing pictures from a friend’s trip to India a couple of years ago.  Her pictures were wonderful but I remember thinking, “I miss Africa so much.  I would totally rather be there.”

And now, we are walking down a path that will likely lead us straight to India!  And I am EXCITED!!  Even more so, I am looking forward to seeing the sweet face of our daughter in her native country, among a people who look like her.  I look forward to seeing that precious face every day once we bring her home.  We will forever be linked to India.

2. Aiden and Noah being in the same school grade.

Oh, this one is a fresh helping of humble pie.  We had a long list of reasons why we thought Noah and Aiden should not be in the same school grade.  And they are valid reasons in my opinion.  Finally, it was as if God was saying that we needed to take a step back and evaluate what was best for each child without allowing the decision to be effected by the other child.  Tough stuff my friends.  We found that we were continually trying to see which child would be least affected by the decision that was best for the other.  And it just so happens that what is best for each of them individually will then mean that they will be in the same grade.

3. Aiden being ready for first grade in the fall.

To say that Kenneth and I have been concerned about Aiden’s academic endeavors would be a gross understatement.  In fact, if you had asked me about this at Christmas, I would have said no way is he ready to move on.

I remember listening to kindergarten orientation and his teacher saying, “I have never had one child leave my classroom without being able to read at least a little.  I even had a girl who could hardly spell her name and she left reading.”  I was like, “Lady, you crazy.  My child will probably be your first.”  Please don’t think I am being mean to Aiden.  I’m not.  Just honest.  We were very concerned about possible learning deficits. 

Wouldn’t you know, in the last several weeks the child is flourishing?!  He IS reading!!  And the other night he blew us away and counted to 100 with absolutely no help!!  We have never even practiced that at home with him.  He has done far greater than we expected.  I am so proud of him!

And speaking of schooling, here is the grand-daddy of them all….

4. Homeschool.

Seriously. 

For those of you who know me, I will give you a minute to breathe or pick yourself up off the floor or stop dying of laughter……..

I am still in shock over this one.  (If anyone reads this, PUHLEEZE understand that the purpose of this post is not to start a schooling debate.)  Kenneth and I have regretted sending Noah to school when we did.  He has a late birthday and has always been the youngest in his class.  Although he is very smart, we wanted him to be one of the oldest rather than youngest.  We sent him to school when we did because we wanted to keep he and Aiden separate.  And that meant he had to go early.  And we have been kicking ourselves ever since.  We have talked with his teacher about retaining him and apparently this is the worst idea ever.  It does not seem like the school would let us do this especially because he is one of the best readers in his class.  So, we looked into the private school in our area which is way out of our budget.  And the more we prayed about it, the more we felt God leading us to homeschool Noah in the fall.  It is as if He chose this for Noah.  Obviously He did.  I said I would NEVER unless we were on the international mission field. 

Those who know me well, I will give you another minute.  I know you need it.….

Right now our plan is to homeschool Noah for one year and re-evaluate.  He may go back to Creekview, and he may not.  I have learned that it is not wise for me to make definite statements where this is concerned.

I am now on a mission to try to remember all the non-sinful things I said I would NEVER do just so I can know what I have to look forward to doing in the next few weeks.

February Update

Ever since God changed what we thought was the adoption plan, things have actually been a little slower than I anticipated.  This has been a good thing because lately I feel like our family life has been going at a much faster pace than we are accustomed...and I am pretty sure that I am way more tired than usual. 

We had to have our home study updated and finalized to reflect the change from Ethiopia to India.  Once that was completed we were able to file with India.  In the most simple explanation I can give, we are basically telling India that we plan to adopt a child. 

Now that we have registered with India, we are officially on the waiting list with our agency.  There are less than 10 families waiting for a referral with our agency.  A numbered waiting list really does not apply to us because most adoptions with India are "special needs" and it depends upon the severity of the need you are willing to accept.  We are open to minor, correctable special needs or special needs that do not require significant care.  We have no idea how long we will be waiting for a referral.  It could be one month, it could be 12.  You just never know.

In the waiting period we will be working on our dossier (the set of documents that basically contains every detail of your life that goes to the US and Indian governments).  We also need to re-file with USCIS (United States Customs and Immigration Services) to get approval for adopting a child from India.  We were approved to adopt from Ethiopia, and now we will have to go through the approval and fingerprinting processes once more for India.

It has been such a blessing to see God continually working in this process.  I cannot tell you how thankful we are to see pieces coming together and the monetary amount we need to complete the adoption get smaller and smaller.  We have been so humbled by gifts from from friends and family members. 

I will continue to update as we move along the process!

No Change in His Plan, but a Change in Ours

Thank you to those of you who prayed for us as we received the news about the future of adoptions in Ethiopia.  We truly felt your prayers and God provided the wisdom we had asked for almost instantaneously. 

Within days of posting our last update, God confirmed in our hearts what He wanted our next steps to be.  Not even three days later, we had a peace that is beyond understanding.  Only Christ can infiltrate the heart and give the peace that we received.  Only He can give such comfort and knowledge of His will.  To be honest, I was a little shocked about how quickly He revealed our next steps.  I know that He answers prayers, but I did not expect to go from having no idea to being completely sure in such a short amount of time, over such a big decision, with so many unknowns.

I thought that we would wait to hear an official statement from Ethiopia and then we would have more facts and then we could proceed.  Then we could really start making tough decisions, if they needed to be made.  It just made sense. 

That was human logic. 

Many times God does want us to be logical—He did give us a brain and we should use it.  He instructs us to count the cost.  There are obvious decisions that we make every single day and it would be quite foolish to throw all logic aside and wait for a burning bush.

But other times, it is as if there is a burning bush.

He works outside of logic, too.

Sometimes God so clearly speaks to us, and it does not have to “make sense.”  The more we know Him, the more familiar we are with His voice, and the more confident we are when we hear Him speaking.  His sheep know His voice.  So when He tells us something that is really crazy and makes no sense to the world (like adopt child #5, for example), we just obey.  We defy logic and obey because we know that obedience is the only thing that really makes sense after all.

In this case, God did not wait for us to have all the pieces of information so that we could make an “informed” decision.  Rather, He quickly and gently said, “I have something else for you.” 

We have waited for over three weeks and we still do not have an official word from Ethiopia, but we know our next steps, regardless. 

With heavy hearts we informed our agency that we would no longer be pursuing an adoption from Ethiopia.  I cannot adequately convey the sadness this brings us.  We love Africa and have such a heart for the people there.  It thrilled us to think of bringing home a daughter from a place that has so deeply touched us.  A place that we cannot stop thinking about.  The place where two of my sons were born. 

I have this image in my head of what I thought our daughter would be like.  And it will not happen, at least not right now, and maybe never.  It feels a little like a death has happened. 

God has allowed us to feel this pain, but we are not grieving without hope. 

God has not changed the adoption plan for our family.  He is slowly uncovering what His plan was all along. 

Beginning this adoption journey in Ethiopia was a necessary step in the process.  It was not a mistake.  We are seeing even now that all of this was orchestrated in perfect timing to bring us to where He wants us. 

I will save the details of how amazing this revelation has been.  How “random” pieces are fitting together.  All the things that were not in place when this journey began, but that are happening now.  Countries being opened, relationships being forged, new works being pondered, and on and on and on.

All of this so wonderfully orchestrated by our loving Heavenly Father to show us that our daughter is probably waking up each morning somewhere in

 

India.

The Kiss of Death? Or Life?

Lord willing, Kenneth will be preaching on worry this coming Sunday.  And in typical fashion, God always envelops us with these lessons when we most need them.  Kenneth said he knew something was coming, and thus, it has.  It rings true that what we teach/preach on is the lesson we need most for ourselves. 

We heard some very discouraging news after Christmas.  There is talk that Ethiopia could totally close adoptions.  Click the following link for the news story.  http://allafrica.com/stories/201312260586.html/

Unfortunately, there are so many more questions than definite answers at this point.  We hope to hear more in the next few weeks, but for right now, all we can do is wait to see what happens. 

The in-country representative for our adoption agency has confirmed that whether Ethiopia closes or not, they definitely plan to reduce adoptions in 2014.  They have been reducing adoptions since 2010 (the same year we brought Aiden and Asa home), and the plan is to reduce even more, if not totally stop all foreign adoption from Ethiopia.

We have also heard that orphanages are closing.  We have heard that it is unlikely that very many children will become paper-ready to be adopted.  This means that although there are many many orphans, they will not have the opportunity to be adopted by anyone outside of Ethiopia.  It is heart wrenching to know the amount of children who need families and may never have one.  It is painful to think about what happens to these children when they are not adopted into loving homes. 

Here is what we do not know:

-A LOT.  To name a few things:

-If we will be able to adopt from Ethiopia.

-When we will know anything definite.

-How long this process will take, if it continues at all.

-How much more God will need to provide if we do have to switch countries.  This would mean a loss of some, if not all, fees we have already paid.  

Here is what we do know:

-This was no surprise to God.  He is still in sovereign control. (Ephesians 1:11)

-Jesus Christ is still holding all things together. (Colossians 1:17)

-God is working all of this together for our good, to conform us into the image of Christ. (Romans 8:28-29).

-God will provide. (Philippians 4:19)

-Things happen on His timetable.  Not ours.  He knows the right time. (Romans 5:6)

-We need a lot of wisdom. 

We are currently pleading with you to pray for the adoption process in Ethiopia.  Pray that adoptions will continue and that the many orphans will know the joy and love of a forever family.  Also pray that God will shower us with His wisdom.  He asks us to ask Him for it, and He promises to give it to us.  “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).  We are praying in faith, knowing that God will supply us with His wisdom!  Will you join us?

The Lord led me to this passage today.  Paul was writing to the church at Corinth and said, “Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us.  On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.  You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many” (II Corinthians 1:9-11).

I just know that although this feels like a kiss of death, God will bring life to us!  We set our hope on Him.  And as we all pray together, even more thanksgiving will be offered to God when we see the pieces come together.  You see that?  Through this situation, God is going to get even more glory!!!  AMEN.  Isn’t He good?!!

Lastly, I want to share something with you.  Can I just tell you how thankful I am that we don’t have to worry about this situation?  It is so freeing to not have to worry.  I have tears in my eyes (and for those that know me well, you know what a big deal that is), just thinking about how amazing our heavenly Father truly is.  I am so thankful for Him.  So thankful for His grace.  So thankful that He called me.  So thankful that He is my constant protector and the shield about me.  So thankful that He loves me and reveals Himself to me.  I did nothing to deserve that.  Yet, He continually showers me with His riches in Christ Jesus.

Among the big lessons that God has been teaching me over the last several months, one is His sovereignty and the other is worry.  I love reading Matthew 6 and seeing that GOD KNOWS.  I do not have to worry about this adoption because I have a sovereign heavenly Father who has ordained this trial and I am confident of His promise that He is working it together to conform me into the image of Christ.  He knows the beginning, the middle and the end of our adoption story.  He knows who our daughter is, and He knows where she is.  Ethiopia?  India?  China?  He knows.  Why worry when the Creator of the universe has it under control and wants the best for me?  He will reveal His plan in His time.  We must simply ask for His wisdom and obey accordingly.

Please do not misunderstand this as passivity. 

It certainly is not. 

As we are trusting in Him, we are praying and seeking His wisdom.  We are looking into other options. 

We are not sitting in idleness. 

But we are standing in confidence in our God.  He is mighty!