WARNING: This is about as real as it gets. I beg you to either not read at all, or read
all the way through until the end. Also,
if you only want a positive, pretty picture without mess, please do not read
because you will only be disappointed with my honesty.
I want to show you what God can do...
Throughout the adoption process the prospective adoptive
parents have a lot of expectations. Even
if you don’t think you do, you do. I was
no different. I knew not to expect
perfect family memories, or quick bonding, or well wishes from everyone. However, deep down, I thought that things
would be fine. Our biological son was
doing wonderful, which just had to be because we knew what we were doing as
parents. (Turns out, it is pretty easy
to parent the child who loves to follow the rules and thinks you are the
greatest thing in the world. I didn’t
know there was a difference since he was the only child. Aren’t they all like that?)
I thought, yeah it might be tough for a little bit, but not
that tough.
WRONG.
I want to share a few words from my journal at that
time. The entries below were written
when Noah was almost 3, Aiden was 2, Asa was 10 months old and I was 7 months
pregnant. The boys came home on June 6,
2010.
I wish I could share more because as I read over my own
thoughts, I remember exactly how it felt.
I remember feeling defeated, feeling inadequate, being angry with
myself, feeling guilty for being angry with God because I knew better. I was so so tired. I remember how I would try to remind myself
of the truth of Scripture, or how God would bring me a sweet Word when I was
famished spiritually and worn out from the warfare that was terrorizing our
home.
July 2, 2010: “We had had the boys for 3 weeks. I would not change adopting either of them
but I have had days that I hate my life.
…There is nothing with Aiden although he is the same age [as Noah] and
right now it feels like it will never get better. He is always grunting or shouting when he
wants our attention, and it is so hard for me to be patient. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me for
this.”
July 16, 2010: “I find myself in desperate need of
repentance. Life has been tough
lately. I find myself thinking, ‘I love
my kids but I hate life right now.’ It
is so stressful and demanding physically, emotionally, spiritually and
mentally. Almost every night Kenneth and
I are sharing our struggles with our situation, and mine seem more
intense. I have all these horrible
thoughts and feelings and then I feel guilty for having them. I want to be honest about what I am going
through because God already knows, but then I feel terrible because I don’t
want to complain about something that God feels is best for me. God has a plan and purpose for me, to prosper
me, not to harm me, and to glorify Himself.
Today I read Psalm 106, which is a long record of how the Israelites
failed God. He did so much for them and
how quickly they forgot. They started
worshiping other things, they complained and got frustrated with His plan for
them. God led them out of captivity and
was leading them to the Promised Land.
Instead of praising Him for what He had done and looking forward to
their future, they focused on their current situation (which should have only
lasted a short while) and complained.
God was giving them something great but they refused to be thankful for
what He had done and to see what His promises would entail. Am I not doing the exact same thing right
now?!”
…The way my life is
right now I feel like a failure at everything.
I have days when I don’t know if I am going to make it and all I want to
do is lay down and cry. I look at the
clock and can’t wait until I can put the kids to bed. I have a level of stress that I never knew existed
and it is constant. I am struggling big
time. There are days that I just wish I
didn’t have to live my life. I was
convicted again yesterday when I was reading a friend’s blog. She had written all these things that she
loves about her daughter. They have had
her home 2 weeks less than we have had Aiden and Asa home. Her list was so long and so sweet. I found myself jealous that things seem to be
going so easy for them. I also know that
if I had to make a list like that I couldn’t.
That disappoints me in myself.
Could I make a list of 10 things I love about Aiden? Could I even make a list of 5 things?! Pitiful.
I feel like I am not bonding with Aiden at all. I am not seeing positives, only negatives. We rarely connect over anything and it all
seems like a stressful struggle. We can
barely communicate and he seems to have no interest in me whatsoever. He just grunts at me and whines and pushes me
to see how far he can go. He
purposefully does things that he knows he should not. I have a hard time seeing past all of that to
see that he needs love and structure and I have no idea what his life was like
before he came to our family. Right now
I feel like I am having to pour all this work into Aiden and I am getting no
positives from him in return. Isn’t that
like God? Pouring all His love and
energy into me only to hear me whine and cry and be disobedient. I want to be a better mother, especially to
Aiden. I can’t do it on my own because
there is no part of me that can. Lord,
help me. I am sure that a day is coming
when Aiden and I will be able to bond and have a good relationship, at least I
hope so. I am sure a day is coming when
life will feel good again. I am sure I
will get rest at some point. Lord, be my
sufficiency until then. Help me to see
with Your eyes and past my current circumstances. Open my eyes to see what You want me to
see. Open my heart to love my children
the way You love them. Help me to bring
You glory and praise Your name.”
Some of what I felt too ashamed to write was that I felt
like Aiden was my enemy. I knew better,
but sometimes what you know and what you feel are two different things. I would cry to Kenneth because I didn’t know
if I was going to survive all that we were going through with Aiden. Our amazing pediatrician assured me that he
was testing boundaries and trying to figure out what it was going to take for
us to send him back to the orphanage. He
assured me that when he realized he was going to be a part of us forever, we
would see a change. I secretly wondered
if he was right.
I remember Kenneth telling me one night, after a
particularly horrible day, “I bet that by the time Aiden graduates high school
you two will be so close.” Even though
that was at least 16 years away, I didn’t think it was even going to be
possible. I felt so defeated. I imagined his high school graduation and
thought he would probably give Kenneth a hug and just give me a look. And I imagined that my heart would be broken
because I would love him, but not enjoy him and he would be out of the house
forever.
I have tears welling in my eyes thinking back to that exact
moment. I remember seeing him sleeping
in his bed and wondering if we would ever really love each other. I wanted to really, truly, genuinely, love
him; but I didn’t. And I didn’t know if
I would. I didn’t know if I could. I knew he didn’t even like me.
Now the tears are pouring down my face.
There are no words to express the joy in my heart over what
God has done!
He has brought such healing and hope to our family. I look at Aiden now and I am in utter
amazement over what God has done in his life.
I am so thankful that I get to be his mom. It is an honor. It is a joy.
I love him so much (really, truly, genuinely). (Can you really love a child you did not
birth as much as you love a child you carried in your stomach for 9
months…praise the Lord, I can say emphatically YES!) I am so proud of him. He and I have become so close especially over
the last two months. In the last few
months, my love and admiration for him has only continued to grow. Have I mentioned how proud I am of him?
A God who works miracles has radically changed our hearts
for one another.
Today, Aiden graduated Kindergarten. Normally I think Kindergarten graduations are
a little silly. Not today.
For me, Aiden’s Kindergarten graduation was much more than
seeing my son move on to elementary school and getting weepy thinking about him
growing up too fast. Today was about
praising God for all that He has done in Aiden’s life. It has been about slowing down and recognizing
the miracle God has done and how gracious He has been to our family. I have thought about the journey God has
brought us on and all that is still left to enjoy.
Today has been about God’s restoration and promise.
This picture is so much more than a picture of me with my
son graduating Kindergarten.
It is a
dream fulfilled.
I am standing next to my son in his cap and gown,
and we
love one another deeply.
And he is only
6.
