The best of times...the worst of times.

I just have to start by saying that when I am in the check-out line at the grocery and my children are pulling EVERYTHING off the shelves and throwing it, or they are yelling at the top of their lungs, or they are reaching over pushing buttons on the credit card machine, I really DO NOT want to hear you say, "Oh, I just miss those days.  Be careful you don't wish them away.  These are the best years of your life."

I cannot tell you how many times I hear that.
And how many times I just want to speak in the flesh and say, "Yeah, well, you deal with this kid for a few hours.  You will be in tears, and you will be going to bed saying, 'Wow.  Glad that's over.'  Trust me.  And if you miss those days so much, babysit my kid for free so that I can take a shower by myself or even pee by myself.  (Can I just pee without someone busting in, screaming, or beating up their brother in the other room!?  For.crying.out.loud!!!!)"
Alas, I bite my tongue.  I remind myself that this older lady is probably right.  And maybe a little delusional about "the glory days."  And I repeatedly say to myself, "Children are a blessing.  Children are a blessing."  And as I chant this while my kids try to open candy bars in the check-out line, I hold onto the hope that maybe when my kids are older (if they make it to age 18, that is) that I, too, will be delusional and only remember the good.  And maybe I can be the crazy old lady in the grocery store telling some frazzled, un-showered woman with four kids hanging off of her and causing the biggest scene ever, that she is in the midst of the best times of her life, all the while knowing that right now is pretty amazing for me too. 

I was at Wal-mart the other day, waiting in line for customer service because the cashier had messed up my transaction.  I tried to wait patiently as two employees were trying to perform brain surgery, or at least that is what they made it seem like.  Meanwhile my two youngest smacked each other and held a competition to see who could yell the loudest and make me sweat the most.  Because they had about 20 carts full of merchandise in the customer service area, not allowing any room for customers to actually wait in line, I was several feet away from the cart with my groceries and boys.  Trouble.  The line was steadily growing behind me, and I was getting frustrated.  Now there were multiple people between the boys and me, which made them raise their antics to a whole new level.  I was actually worried someone would call DHR or look around for someone who had abandoned their kids.  I tried to remain calm and remind myself that patience is a virtue.  (A constant struggle for me).

The lady behind me then said, "They are just so cute.  They look like best friends."  I kindly thanked her.  She then added, "I sure miss those days."
I was not in the mood, so I then said to her honestly, "Yeah.  I am trying to enjoy it.  But I am exhausted, and I have two more boys that are both 5.  It is a lot of work.  And the discipline is never-ending." So there.
To my surprise she said, "I remember that too.  Hang in there.  They are so cute at that age, but it is really hard.  I was so tired, and I only had two boys.  I can't imagine how you do it.  My boys are now in high school, and they drive themselves around all the time, they really don't need me much anymore."
And then I wanted to cry.

I feel a constant tension in my life over the stage my children are in.  To be honest, we are having a lot of discipline issues with Aiden and Asa.  Their personalities are so different than Noah and Nathan's.  And I struggle to discern whether it is adoption issues, personality issues, or a little bit of both.  But the selfishness, the deception, the outright lying, the outright defiance, the poor bathroom habits...I am about to loose it.  This past month it seems those behaviors are in over-drive.  We continue to discipline them.  We try to find creative ways to discipline them because it seems like nothing we have tried is getting through to them, in fact, it is getting worse. 

I feel defeated.  I keep seeking the Lord for refuge, forgiveness and wisdom.  I know I am not alone in this, but I don't know how much more of this behavior I can take.  God assures me that His grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He is using this for my good and for His glory.  He is my sustainer.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  And He has already forgiven me.  His mercies are new every morning.
This is a fight.  A daily battle.  It is tough.  It is exhausting.

I don't want to wish this time away.
I want to enjoy my children.
I do enjoy them.
But I selfishly want to enjoy them without it having to be so difficult at the same time! 
I feel like I am living that quote from The Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Children can be so maddening, and so delightful.
They are a blessing from the LORD, indeed.