Flesh: Fail. Heart: Fail. But, God.

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Yesterday was brutal.

Kenneth was out of town for three days.  When he is out of town the boys act like depraved, wild animals.  There is no other explanation.  They show they miss their daddy by misbehaving.  Noah is especially notorious for this.  Asa also has about 0 respect for me, and it is at least kept in check with Kenneth’s constant discipline and reinforcement that he needs to honor Mommy and love her.  When he is gone, Asa go nuts.  It is awful. 

Yesterday was the third day of Kenneth being gone.  It was also the day that I got to teach a lesson on the blessings of children to a group of college girls.  Ironic doesn’t even begin to describe.

The morning started off horribly.  All the kids were up, running, screaming as loud as possible, and annoying one another before I even got out of bed.  (They woke one another up and their running and screaming is what woke me up).

Despite my best efforts, I am not a morning person.  I am so impatient and tired until I have been up for at least 20 minutes.  (I know I need to work on this).

One of my sons had peed through his pull-up, onto the sheets, through the mattress protector that I had just washed the day before for the same reason.  Had to start more laundry.  Before the boys were even dressed and ready for me to make their breakfast they had been so disobedient and whiny that they were not allowed to talk.  I moved Asa and Nathan’s chairs so that no one was even facing each other at the table.  I just couldn’t handle it.   It was one of those mornings where Noah was screaming, “Aiden won’t stop breathing on me and his breath stinks!!!”  And Aiden is laughing and blowing right into Noah’s face just to make him even angrier.

The rest of the day followed suit. 
It was one of those days that I seriously debated changing my name and never telling the children.  If I heard “Mooommmy!” one more time...  I felt like I was going to loose it any second.  I kept repeating, “It is a blessing to be called Mommy.  It is a blessing to be called Mommy.”  In hopes of believing it.   Even my “quiet time” with the Lord was interrupted by kids getting out of bed, throwing tantrums, and refusing naps.  I felt like I couldn’t get a break and I felt so out of step with the Lord at the time I needed it most.  I felt so weak.

The Spirit kept gently reminding me, “My grace is sufficient, My grace is sufficient.”  And all day it haunted me that I had to teach on the blessing of children when I wanted to do something awful to mine. 

I can assure you, I was not feeling blessed.

After nap, another child peed his bed.  This time he managed to get it in the one inch of space that does not have a mattress pad on it, along with the box springs, dust ruffle and carpet.  Pretty sure that was intentional.  I am not exactly sure how you could even pee in your sleep and get it where he did.  Alas, on to the third load of laundry for the day.

Then as I was boiling dinner on the stove, I heard the four boys fighting upstairs.  I was so tired of it.  I could hear Noah and Aiden arguing over Lincoln Logs and Nathan and Asa screaming about something.  Then I hear things being thrown, Aiden having a total melt-down and Noah yelling at him.

Aiden is crying and yelling at me from upstairs.  I ignored it.  He continued.  I continued with the food boiling on the stove.  He finally let out a big scream, and came marching down the stairs.  He cried about Noah being selfish.

Noah then marches downstairs and says the following, “Well, he is making an idol out of Lincoln logs. He thinks they are more important than Jesus. He thinks candy is more important than Jesus. He makes an idol out of Lincoln logs and candy.”

Before I could deal with that Asa comes downstairs totally naked, carrying his clothes, water dripping from him.  He says, in total stutter, “Nnnnnnate-dog do it.  Hhhhhhe got me wet.”

I immediately headed to the stairs.  As I got to the first step, the timer for the stove went off.  I left the food boiling, hoping I didn’t ruin dinner. 

I got to the bathroom to discover Nathan soaking wet, playing in the sink, and water ALL over.  Walls, mirror, counters, cabinets, the entire bathroom floor.  Picture frames and décor, soaked.  He stood there, hands in sink, looking at me with the proudest, biggest smile on his face.

I. Lost. it.  Totally. Lost. It.

I started the ugly cry. You know, the kind where you are crying so hard that you can’t breathe.  Nothing even comes out.  And then, woosh!  And it doesn’t stop.  I sound like a dying walrus. 

By this point the boys were downstairs in fear of their lives, I am sure.  I hear them yelling, “What is going on up there?”  Asa then came up, asked, “You crying Mommy?”  And then went down to report to his brothers.

Yes, dinner still on stove.

I finally came downstairs and Noah starts laughing at me. 

I prayed.  I called Kenneth.  He started laughing because he thought I was kidding.  Then he realized I wasn’t.

Thankfully, he got home about 30 minutes later. 

After the boys went to bed last night I opened my Bible to get a little more reading done .  I felt awful.  I felt defeated.  I felt weak.  I felt like calling the girls and canceling Bible study because there was NO WAY I could teach.  I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a long time.  I prayed that the Lord would just comfort me with His Word and somehow prepare me to teach a lesson that I felt grossly inadequate to teach.

And that is when He led me to Psalm 73.

“Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Yesterday was an epic parenting failure.
Flesh: Failed.
Heart: Failed.

BUT GOD. 
He is the strength of my heart.
He is my portion forever.

O, blessed Lord.  You are ever faithful.  Indeed, “for me it is good to be near God.” 

I am crying thinking of His sweetness to me and His comfort. 
His grace.
His sufficiency.
He is so good. 
So faithful.